Category: Blogging

Who am I if I Can’t Carry it All?

I asked for money for pastries and lattes, which I did, in fact, spend many of my euros on. More than the breathing room that spending money grants, I felt rooted for and supported, like my journey was being shared.

I have never met a person whose greatest need was anything other than real, unconditional love. You can find it in a simple act of kindness toward someone who needs help.  There is no mistaking love…it is the common fiber of life, the flame that heats our soul, energizes our spirit, and supplies passion to our lives.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross

As a child, I wanted to be indestructible and intimidating enough that nobody tried to find out whether or not I really was indestructible. I believed the key to success and happiness was to need no one and to do it all myself. I was also a big fan of crumpling up and quitting anything as soon as I made a mistake. I was not a particularly successful child. 

It turns out that where I have succeeded in my life, it has been through a great deal of vulnerability and willingness to accept help. I am still very uncomfortable with both of these things. The child I used to be still pouts and stomps her feet and fears that my successes will not count, or worse, I’ll owe somebody more than I’m comfortable paying back if I accept any help. Fortunately, the adult I’ve become knows better. Most people like to be helpful. I do. I need to feel helpful.

Despite who I am, I’m trying to set up a life where I make it easy for people to help me and also easy for people to not help me, to whatever degree they are comfortable. Even though accepting help is still an act with which I am decidedly uncomfortable. I’m scrappy. I reckon I can survive without help, but I can do better, I can be better, if I let people help me. Where I can, I pay it forward because I know I can never truly pay it back.

I have been the broke friend for much of my life. It means I often turn down invitations because I can’t afford certain outings. I mean, I also have a lot of demands on my time, and I’m low-key, very introverted. It’s just that I didn’t want to be the shy girl or the broke girl in Portugal. I wanted to be in a position to say yes to everything my summer studying abroad had to offer.

Berkeley Study Abroad recommends setting up a Go Fund Me. I was fortunate to have enough financial aid secured to cover my tuition and basic needs, but there are a handful of people who often spend some money on me around my birthday; I decided to make it possible for them to give me money for my summer in Portugal. I was very clear that I had tuition covered and that I had housing covered. That the funding was the difference between studying in my room and studying in a cafe, not between going abroad or staying home.

The response was overwhelming. It got to where I had to turn off notifications because I was getting all verklempt in public settings. People who have never bought so much as a cup of coffee were contributing generously to my Go Fund Me. Friends and family also helped me out separate from the website, loaning me money for plane fare, buying me new luggage, giving me tips and tricks for my travels.

I worked hard to get into this school and I have actively pursued some of the best opportunities it has to offer. I am proud of getting myself into the position to study abroad. That said, it is the generosity of others that had me in a position to have a grand adventure. I asked for money for pastries and lattes, which I did, in fact, spend many of my euros on. More than the breathing room that spending money grants, I felt rooted for and supported, like my journey was being shared.

In her Ted Talk about The Art of Asking, Amanda Palmer talks about her time as a street performer. Whenever someone put money in her hat, she would give them a flower, or at least try to. I have thought a lot about how to give a flower to each of my supporters but I don’t know how. I never know how to pay people back adequately.

I’ve always wanted to have a travel blog, where I write about the best gear, the best deals, and the things a person must see and do while traveling. , so I would have an excuse to learn about and test the best gear, the best deals, and the things a person must see and do while traveling. That’s not the kind of writer I am, unfortunately.

What I can write is something more specific, personal, and vulnerable. I can tell my story of what I did with my summer vacation. Like most of the stories I tell, it’s made more out of convoluted side paths, than anything straightforward. I’ll talk about luggage, and frugality, and things to see and do, but also about falling in love and falling ill, and silliness and tragedy.

This is not the story that anyone asked for. This is not the story that I chose. This is the story that I have, though. And the best of it would not have been possible without the most amazing support network a person could ever hope to have. I am so grateful, not just for the coffees and pastries but for the feeling that all y’all were rooting for me. I am loved.

Thank you ❤

Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

The Beatles
With a Little Help from My Friends
Joe Cocker – With a Little Help from my Friends
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Hello World!

Journaling is how I process my life. From my perspective, every word is completely true. Memories are never completely true. This should all be taken with a few grains of salt, and maybe a bit of tequila, too.

If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
‘Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to

Anna Nalick
Breathe (2am)

I started posting this stuff on MySpace in 2003. Then I migrated it all to LiveJournal and so on and so forth. I’m not proud of everything I’ve said in the last twenty years. I like to think that I’ve grown, that I say fewer regrettable things now. I’ll let you know in twenty years I guess. None of it was hateful, just foolish, so at least there’s that.

I used to post like a scream, urgent missives that I just needed to get out of me. Even the lazy Sunday ponderings were reckless first drafts. My posts were all messages in a bottle set adrift in cyberspace. Except they weren’t. The internet is forever.

So I’m going to try a new approach. I’ve archived the old stuff. It’s not erased. I am not ashamed of my personal growth. I’m just ready to step fully into who I am right now. I’m not going to hit publish the second I complete a thought anymore. I’d like to say that I’ve developed a theme. I always wanted to have one of those blogs that were about something. Having a travel blog sounds like the best. Unfortunately, that’s not who I am, so this isn’t that. It’s still just a public diary. It’s just one I hope has fewer typos and less cringe than its previous incarnation.

I will make efforts to protect the privacy of others, but they won’t always be adequate. I’m not changing details, just omitting the ones that aren’t relevant to my personal story. I don’t think anyone wants my diary to come up when someone googles their name, so I’m not naming names. If you want to out yourself, feel free to do so in the comments. I’m just telling my stories and sometimes they overlap with other people’s.

Journaling is how I process my life. From my perspective, every word is completely true. Memories are never completely true. This should all be taken with a few grains of salt, and maybe a bit of tequila, too. We remember the moments that have emotional significance to us. We each bring our own positionality and perspective, and will argue sincerely that the trunk is the elephant, because that’s all that we saw at the time. Sometimes two honest people will tell the same story in fundamentally different ways. I promise you honesty, but not necessarily truth.

Also, I’m a grownup. Sometimes my life has adult content. Just like in real life, I don’t cuss often, but that’s more than never. My swear jar isn’t going to pay for a vacation anytime soon, but it might buy dinner every once in a while. Don’t expect my company manners here. I will talk about politics, sex and religion, and I will do it in whatever language I think fits. I’m a polite person, but I’m not here to say only what’s fit for polite company. I don’t need an outlet for that. This is for the things I feel compelled to say but don’t want to dump in the laps of innocent bystanders.

I’m often uncomfortable spewing my innermost personal feelings on friends and family. I am a recovering TMI queen. Part of my silence in recent years has been the lack of free time with kids, school, work, etc. The other part was having a bestie I told ALL the things. I didn’t have anything left that needed saying. I reckon no one person should have to carry that load alone. So I’m back to public journaling, ’cause it helps me keep my head sorted out. Nothing to see here folks. It’s just my diary out here in front of God and everyone.

I bought a ticket to the world
But now I’ve come back again
Why do I find it hard to write the next line?
I want the truth to be said

Spandau Ballet
True
Spandau Ballet – True (HD Remastered)