If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer
Anna Nalick
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
‘Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to
Breathe (2am)
I started posting this stuff on MySpace in 2003. Then I migrated it all to LiveJournal and so on and so forth. I’m not proud of everything I’ve said in the last twenty years. I like to think that I’ve grown, that I say fewer regrettable things now. I’ll let you know in twenty years I guess. None of it was hateful, just foolish, so at least there’s that.
I used to post like a scream, urgent missives that I just needed to get out of me. Even the lazy Sunday ponderings were reckless first drafts. My posts were all messages in a bottle set adrift in cyberspace. Except they weren’t. The internet is forever.
So I’m going to try a new approach. I’ve archived the old stuff. It’s not erased. I am not ashamed of my personal growth. I’m just ready to step fully into who I am right now. I’m not going to hit publish the second I complete a thought anymore. I’d like to say that I’ve developed a theme. I always wanted to have one of those blogs that were about something. Having a travel blog sounds like the best. Unfortunately, that’s not who I am, so this isn’t that. It’s still just a public diary. It’s just one I hope has fewer typos and less cringe than its previous incarnation.
I will make efforts to protect the privacy of others, but they won’t always be adequate. I’m not changing details, just omitting the ones that aren’t relevant to my personal story. I don’t think anyone wants my diary to come up when someone googles their name, so I’m not naming names. If you want to out yourself, feel free to do so in the comments. I’m just telling my stories and sometimes they overlap with other people’s.
Journaling is how I process my life. From my perspective, every word is completely true. Memories are never completely true. This should all be taken with a few grains of salt, and maybe a bit of tequila, too. We remember the moments that have emotional significance to us. We each bring our own positionality and perspective, and will argue sincerely that the trunk is the elephant, because that’s all that we saw at the time. Sometimes two honest people will tell the same story in fundamentally different ways. I promise you honesty, but not necessarily truth.
Also, I’m a grownup. Sometimes my life has adult content. Just like in real life, I don’t cuss often, but that’s more than never. My swear jar isn’t going to pay for a vacation anytime soon, but it might buy dinner every once in a while. Don’t expect my company manners here. I will talk about politics, sex and religion, and I will do it in whatever language I think fits. I’m a polite person, but I’m not here to say only what’s fit for polite company. I don’t need an outlet for that. This is for the things I feel compelled to say but don’t want to dump in the laps of innocent bystanders.
I’m often uncomfortable spewing my innermost personal feelings on friends and family. I am a recovering TMI queen. Part of my silence in recent years has been the lack of free time with kids, school, work, etc. The other part was having a bestie I told ALL the things. I didn’t have anything left that needed saying. I reckon no one person should have to carry that load alone. So I’m back to public journaling, ’cause it helps me keep my head sorted out. Nothing to see here folks. It’s just my diary out here in front of God and everyone.
I bought a ticket to the world
Spandau Ballet
But now I’ve come back again
Why do I find it hard to write the next line?
I want the truth to be said
True
Crystal, Clearly 