The ache for home lives in all of us, The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.
Maya Angelou
By the end of our second month in Portugal, it seemed like everyone was homesick. One of my housemates could give the exact countdown of how many hours, minutes, seconds until she went home. She kept ordering McDonald’s and Burger King, and complaining that even the Coke tasted different in Portugal. She was over it. My friend wanted to be in her own house, with her own stuff, eating her own food again.
People were changing their flights to go back earlier, and I could not understand it. I wasn’t done yet. I had waited my whole life for this opportunity and lost too much time to Covid, tragedy, heatwaves, wildfires, and waiting by the phone.
My apartment in Lisbon had a place to store my clothes, shelves for my books and a desk to work at, as well as a bed by the window and an oscillating fan. There was also a communal kitchen and a bathroom with a bidet. It didn’t feel any more or less like home than my apartment in University Village.
Either way, it was just a place where I was staying, where I kept most of my stuff. Lisbon had the benefit of not having my life’s detritus: the crates of photos that I need to scan and discard or the boxes of my dead stepfather’s stuff that I still need to sort through. My Lisbon apartment felt just as much like it was mine, as the one at Berkeley. It was mine, but more free.
My cohort missed the comfort of the familiar. I think there was this sense that when they got back, and only then, they would really exhale, relax, and be at peace. They wanted to go home. I didn’t have a place that really felt like home on any continent, not in any way you could point to on a map.
I had people I missed, though. The pandemic had made my in-person world very small. It seems like wherever there’s internet, I have most of my social life. Still, I could only go so long away from my kids, my mom, or my man.
Living abroad was the last personal accomplishment I needed to get out of my system before settling down. I wasn’t single, but I wasn’t engaged either. I was still independent, making my decisions with personal growth prioritized over partnership. It’s just I wanted to share it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly, with the Work Bestie.
The island of São Miguel was positively enchanting. I was trying to price out how much I’d have to save before I could share the Azores with him. I’d spent a lifetime with all this wanderlust. When I finally got to travel, I spent the whole time yearning for my special person to share it with. Summer in San Diego together might have made me happier than the whole world by myself. I just had to go to another continent to figure that out.
The Work Bestie and I are peaceful people. We don’t stir up conflict or make things more difficult than they need to be. We let stuff go and enjoyed our moments with each other fully in the moment. We laugh easily. That is the peace and laughter I want to fill my life with.
I know what it is to build a house with this man. He has more strength and stamina than I do, but I’m not too delicate to put in the blood, sweat, and tears of working alongside him. I’m strong, but he’s a beast. When I would inevitably wilt in the sun, I’d shift my focus to ensuring he was hydrated, fed, and supported. We were always a great team.
More than that, there’s a feeling when he holds me. He could tell me that everything will be okay, and if his arms wrapped around me just tight enough, I would always believe it was true. In his arms, I am home. I had to travel halfway around the world to recognize how much I needed him, my best friend, my love, my peace. He was my home and, finally, I was ready to go home.
You made me feel like I was always falling
Brandi Carlile
Always falling down without a place to land
Somewhere in the distance I heard you calling
Oh it hurts so bad to let go of your hand
Wherever is your heart I call home
Wherever is your heart I call home
Though your feet may take you far from me, I know
Wherever is your heart I call home
Wherever is Your Heart
Crystal, Clearly 
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